Have you ever wondered why some children not only survive but even flourish after experiencing terrible life events? Illness, divorce, crime, war, abuse, poverty — all these traumas can permanently damage some children, while others seem to possess an innate ability to move forward. Why is that?
Some children endure horrific circumstances and are mentally or emotionally crippled for the rest of their lives. Others, facing the same hardships, somehow become stronger and go on to lead healthy, productive lives. What separates these two groups?
This question has been at the center of extensive research. Social scientists, psychologists, pediatricians, educators, and others who care about children’s well-being have long sought to understand what enables some kids to thrive in bad environments while others do not. And the point of this research isn’t just academic — it’s very practical.
If we can understand the difference, those of us who work with children might be able to replicate the conditions for success and eliminate the conditions that lead to failure.
Growing up in poverty as the child of a teenage mother, I’ve often pondered these things myself. I experienced abuse and neglect in every form. I moved more than 35 times before I turned 18. I lived through some unimaginably bad situations. Yet, the outcomes of my life do not reflect my beginnings. Why?
People often ask how I made it. There’s a theological answer — the ministry of others in my life, the power of prayer, and the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father. But there is also a sociological answer, which, I believe, is not separate from the work of God but rather a recognition of how our Creator designed us.
Social scientists call it resilience — the capacity to recover from difficulties. It’s the ability to absorb negative experiences and bounce back.
Think of it like this: why do some children get sick often while others do not? It often relates to their physical constitution, their diet, their environment, and the health of those around them.
Similarly, child resilience is the mental, emotional, and psychological ability to weather life’s storms without permanent damage.
So what “emotional vitamins” do children need to grow strong? What “mental nutrients” give them the endurance to push through hard times? And perhaps most importantly, what can we, the adults, do to ensure that all children get what they need to develop resilience?
There’s a lot of information out there on the topic — some of it too scientific for the average parent to easily grasp, and some of it too anecdotal to be entirely reliable.
A great place to start is the work of Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine. His book, A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings, outlines research in this area and presents it in a practical, easy-to-understand way.
Dr. Ginsburg identifies seven essential traits that build resilience in children: competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control.
If we strive to center every activity, lesson, conversation, event, and relationship on instilling these qualities into children’s lives, we will dramatically improve their chances for success. The opportunities are endless, and the long-term benefits are incalculable.
Competence is about helping children recognize their individual strengths. It doesn’t mean ignoring weaknesses, but purposefully identifying and encouraging each child’s strengths so they can live within them as much as possible.
Recognize each child’s competencies individually — especially among siblings — and avoid comparisons. When a child makes a mistake, focus on the specific incident, not on sweeping generalizations about their character. Strategize with them about how to avoid repeating the mistake. Empower children to make decisions. Even toddlers can choose between an apple and a banana — and as they grow, the decisions should become bigger and more significant.
Warning: Be mindful that overprotecting your child may unintentionally send the message that they are incapable. “Helicopter parenting” can stunt a child’s competence and confidence.
Confidence grows from competence — it’s a child’s belief in their own abilities.
Express your child’s best qualities clearly and often, but don’t only praise talents or appearances. Praise fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness — traits that endure through every stage of life. Recognize real achievements and be honest in your praise. False praise and “everyone gets a trophy” culture only lead to hollow self-esteem. When praising, be specific about what they did well. Encourage trying new things without pushing children into challenges they aren’t developmentally ready for.
Connection is about developing strong emotional ties with family, friends, and community.
Create a safe, secure environment at home and at school. Without a foundation of safety, children cannot grow strong. Encourage the healthy expression of all emotions. Children need to feel safe reaching out during hard times. Address conflict openly and calmly within the family. Foster family rituals like regular dinners or game nights, which strengthen connection. Connect your child to extended family, church, and community. A caring faith community can be especially powerful for a child’s sense of belonging.
Character involves instilling a strong moral foundation.
Help children understand how their behaviors affect others. When you see your child show kindness, honesty, or responsibility, point it out and celebrate it. Encourage the development of personal faith and values, not just by teaching, but by living it out. Children are great imitators — what they see, they absorb. Avoid making negative generalizations or stereotypes in front of children.
Contribution – Children need to understand that the world is a better place because they are in it.
Teach your children about needs in the world — and show them how they can help meet those needs. Model generosity, and create real opportunities for children to serve others. Helping others builds self-worth, strengthens character, and forges deeper connections with the world around them.
Coping skills help children handle stress and adversity.
Model positive coping mechanisms yourself — children are always watching. Don’t just forbid negative behaviors; teach alternative ways to handle anger, fear, sadness, or stress. Recognize that risky behaviors often stem from an attempt to cope with pain. Respond with empathy, not condemnation. Never punish children for childishness — mistakes are part of growing up.
Control Children need to believe that they have control over their own lives.
Help them understand that outcomes are often connected to choices — their own and others’. Teach discipline as a tool for learning, not punishment. Help children understand that actions have consequences and that they can shape those consequences by the decisions they make.
Conclusion
Children are remarkably resilient. They come hardwired with many survival skills, and often, it only takes a little encouragement to change the entire trajectory of a child’s life.
Many successful adults who had difficult childhoods can point to a pivotal moment — a teacher who believed in them, a neighbor who provided food and care, a church that offered a safe and nurturing environment, a program that gave them a sense of competence and belonging.
It doesn’t always take a lot of money or massive resources to change a child’s life — but it does take care, attention, and the willingness to step in.
Of all the techniques discussed here, two things matter most: 1. Children must know that there is at least one adult who believes in them unconditionally. 2. Children must know that their life can get better — and that they have the power to make it so.
